Cancer and Anger:

It is virtually impossible to be affiliated with cancer and not have some sort of anger issues. I am not angry with the cancer.  I don't say why me and I don't say I don't deserve to have cancer.

Those who know me best, myself being first, know that I have an incredibly short and hair trigger temper. I always have and most likely always will.  However, the older I get, the less noticeable it is - just slightly.

I could use the cancer as an excuse.  "Well I have cancer I'm supposed to be angry" or it is acceptable to be somewhat angry. That is an excuse that I refuse to embrace. The fact that I have cancer forces me to take a greater responsibility for myself and others around me to keep my anger in check.  It is my problem, not theirs. Why should my illness adversely affect others?  Additionally, I am trying to grow my circle of friends,  not dwindle it. Several counselors suggested deep breathing exercises or yoga. Those who know me best would find me doing yoga or deep breathing exercises laughable. It was not until a very dear friend of mine suggested deep breathing exercises, that I actually took the idea seriously.  Surprisingly enough, it works and quite well too.

During a cancer support group session, one of the participants in the group turned to me and said, "Chris you seem very angry".  The counselor of the group, whose job it is to keep things on track and civil, sat there stone faced and silent.  Not that I blame her, I don't, but it was a cold reminder that I really did have anger issues. Unfortunately, I never got the chance to thank the woman for making the comment and the counselor for having the good sense to keep quiet.  It was a life altering moments.  It made me face the fact that I did have anger issues. Her comment was not really a surprise, for one cannot be angry and unaware, but it did make me face and address the issue.

Self realization of a deficiency is always the first step to self improvement. Over the last year, I have concentrated on keeping my anger in check, questioning if a situation warrants getting angry.  Most often the answer is no.  Occasionally my anger still gets the better of me, just ask the man at the check out register at Duane Reade who tried to talk me into signing up for a Duane Reade's discount card. Suffice to say the dialog is unprintable.

Having a little anger and expressing it is a healthy thing.  Keeping it all bottled up lends itself to a whole host of different problems. Being able to express your anger allows people to understand your frustration and never have people misinterpret your desires, a problem I seldom have.

Needless to say, self improvement is an ongoing process.  One is never finished and realizing one has a problem is always the first step. My only regret that is that I did not realize this sooner.