Shortly after writing my first two postings, I received phone calls from close friends commenting that my writing was dispassionate. One person mentioned that she felt it wasn't personal enough, she wanted to read more about me.  Having been diagnosed with this disease for almost two years, my approach to telling my story is very different than it was in the first few months. But more importantly, although it is my story, it is not solely my disease. The focus should not be on me or my personal daily battle, but rather people should  focus on the disease.  Consider me merely the means to deliver a story, one that afflicts millions of people world wide and touches millions more.  But not just a story,  I also want it to be a world class resource guide. For those afflicted with cancer and their families, the last thing they need to do is to sort through a myriad of cancer organizations.

When I was first diagnosed, there were only three people, other than myself, that knew I was ill, the British girl (who exited my life more quickly then she entered), my older brother and my nephew.  My mother was unaware. At the time, my mother was out of the country. My brother and I both decided that this was news to be delivered in person, not via a trans Atlantic phone call. Not only did I worry about her health at hearing such news, but there was nothing she could do.  Not telling her was agonizing as I have a very close relationship with my mom and I hated to lie to her, even by omission. Mom was not due back for 12 weeks and  they were  long and difficult. The fact that she was out of the country was both a curse and a blessing. A curse because I was unable to tell her, a blessing because I needed to get over the shock and absorb the news myself. When mom finally returned in the spring,  it was a Friday.  Late Saturday morning I was on her doorstep. After giving and receiving a huge hug, the first question out of my mothers mouth was " so, how is your health"...... a very easy segue into explaining what was really happening. During the preceding weeks, I had been cautioned to break the news slowly, giving mom a bit of information, let her digest it and let her ask another question, rather than inundating her with all of the information at once.

Breaking the news to my close friends took time, over a period of weeks, as I felt more and more comfortable explaining my situation. I still remember vividly the first phone call, to one of my oldest friends. Although we are close, we didn't chat regularly.  She is one of those friends that whether we talk once a week or every six months, our friendship will remain the same, it never really skips a beat.  She is and will remain a friend for life. We had spoken a mere two months before and I remember her quizzical sound in her voice when she answered the phone.

Forming the words " I have cancer and its terminal" for the very first time was exceedingly difficult. I remember her asking  "so, what's new?"  I just hemmed and hawed, then hemmed and hawed some more, unable to even get out a single syllable. Even before I uttered a single word she knew, no matter what the news, it was not going to be good. What should have been a 15 minute conversation took 45 minutes. Finally,  I finished my story.  Her kindness,  understanding,  compassion, and empathy still touch me to this day. For the first 18 months she would e-mail me at least every two weeks and call at least once a month.  It is heart warming. We still stay in touch much more than we did before, that in itself is a huge blessing.  I know in the very end she will be with me, if not in person, then in spirit.  She is my "Rosebud".

Over the next weeks and months I started telling my closest friends.  Each telling of the story became a little easier. Most were amazingly sympathetic and supportive.   To those friends, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  It is your friendship that gives me the strength to cope. Then there are some friends, whom I assumed were close, that heard through the grapevine that I was ill and never returned my calls.

I have come to realize that everyone grieves differently,  copes differently.  The fact that some friends have not responded the way I hoped is disappointing but I understand.  Many people are not comfortable with death,  and rather than get directly involved choose to stay on the sidelines. They are missed.  I wish they felt differently, but, in the end, it is their decision.  We are all worse off for their decision.

For all of those people who have tried to become a member and follow my blog and been unable, I apologize. If you still want to become a follower- member on the home page, on the banner line, there are options "follow", share etc. Click on the "follow" your name should automatically be added as a member and future postings should be sent to your in-box.  I emphasize "should" because, on occasion, the software does not work as expected.

To all of the people whom I don't know personally who read my blog, specifically those in Russia, Romania, Ireland, India, New Zealand, Canada, Germany and Australia, the U.K. and those in the United States I thank you. Knowing that you find my story interesting enough to read is heart warming. I encourage you to sign up as a follower and feel free to send me a message either here or to cpb12569@gmail.com

This Thursday's posting will be a shorter one due to the fact I am concentrating on adding additions to the resource guide on the right hand side of the page. Additions will include additional hospitals, a link to Cancer Clinical Trials, Nutrition, Alternative Medicine and hopefully the Cancer Patient Resource Guide.