Cancer & The 7 Stages of Grief:

A very dear and close friend recently asked me why I haven't exhibited any of the normal 7 stages of grief. For those unfamiliar with them they are, "Shock and Denial", Pain and Guilt", "Anger and Bargaining", "Depression,"Reflection and Lonliness", "The Upward Turn", " Reconstruction and Working Through", and "Acceptance and Hope".

Below is how I explained my beliefs to her, they are simple and intuitive.

Shock and Denial: I was in shock for some time. The initial shock wore off after about 48 hours, but it took about another 48 hours for it to sink in completely. Denial did not seem to make any sense. Not having gone to medical school, not having any idea of what was going on, and knowing my doctors had no reason to lie to me, I accepted what they said.  Denying what was obvious to my docotors seemed beyond foolish.

Pain and Guilt: There was no physical pain at that time, emotionally it is painful, but the human body, the human psyche is amazingly resilient.  I am not religious therefore I do not believe that it is God that does not gives us more than we are able to handle, but rathher, we as humans, have the ability to adapt to adversity.  Perhaps I am fortunate and have a greater ability to adapt and cope with adversity. For me there is no guilt, not that there are not things that I regret, but I have made peace with all those I have offended, or at least to all of those that matter to me.   I am at peace with my life.

Anger and Bargaining: Those who know me best will admit, and so will I, that I have some "anger issues", but that is a topic for another post.  However, I am not angry at the disease. I have often heard people with cancer saying "why me". I have never fully understood those feelings. I am no better, nor worse, than anyone else.  My reply is "why not me?", not that I am happy that I have cancer, but if it was not me it would be someone else, perhaps someone with less ability than I to cope. Bargaining seems silly.  The last time I bargained,  I was 16. From the age of 7 to the age of 16, I attempted to "bargain" at least a dozen times, essentially every time I got myself in a major "jam". It never worked before, it seemed hardly likely that it would work now. I am reminded of the saying, "when I was a child I played with childish things, when I became an adult I put away childish things". For me bargaining is one of those childish things and it is an exercise in futility.

Depression, Reflection and Loneliness: The depression is something that never really goes away.  I do have time to reflect, often I have too much time to reflect.  I am reminded of the mistakes in my life and the fact that I have a limited amount of time to correct the errors of my ways. Because of my cancer, I am often alone but I seldom have feelings of loneliness. I am truly blessed, perhaps more blessed than I deserve.  In the end, it is the friendships we have made that carry us through the very end and I have some very, very good friends.

The Upward Turn: This refers to the point where one accepts ones fate and makes the most of ones life.  It is difficult for me to really think of this as a true upward turn, but I have accepted my fate and am trying to regain as much of my life as I am able.

Reconstruction and Working Through: This is an extension of the Upward Turn, it is a continuing and ongoing process, one that hopefully gets better and better. I am a true work in progress.

Acceptance and Hope: I have come to accept my fate, not happily, but not fighting it either. There is always a modicum of hope, however limited.