CT Scans- Cancer

Anyone who has gone through chemotherapy knows that one of the most stressful times is just prior to the CT Scans. The CT Scans are taken and read to determine the rate of growth of the tumors.

During my time at Gilda's Club, a cancer support group based in NYC, much conversation was given to the reading of these scans.  The stress, the anxiety and the anger over them was truly palpable. For some reason, I was able to take them in stride.  They were what they were and no matter of worrying on my part was going to change the results.

I have a CT Scan on Monday and for the first time I am seriously anxiety riddled. These tests really represent a turning point in my treatment and the progression (or lack of it) of my cancer. The type of drug I am on is called an inhibitor.  As with all chemo drugs, it is meant to slow the growth of the cancer. By suppressing certain areas of the cancer cells, these types of drugs can work very effectively for a period of time. Cancer cells are like cockroaches, very, very hard to kill and amazingly resilient.  They find a way of morphing and adapting to continue to grow. The fact that I have done as well on this particular drug has been to the delight and surprise of my doctor and myself, but I have been waiting for the other shoe to fall- the day the drug stops working. For months, my oncologist has warned me that this day was coming. During  my last visit, he almost switched me to a new and different drug but decided to wait two more rounds of the current chemo and then make a final determination. Sunday marks the end of my chemo and the CT Scan is Monday.  My follow up meeting with my oncologist is Thursday.

When I started my chemotherapy, my then oncologist, different from the one I have now, did not explain the long term side effects of chemo.  He did not explain the secondary and tertiary side effects of the drug. I don't blame him at all.  Dr. Becker is an amazing oncologist with an even more amazing bedside manner, making his patients feel very much at ease and I trusted him and still do implicitly. His job was to prolong my life for as long as possible, not scare me to death with the possible and often inevitable side effects of the drugs. Nor did I have the sense of mind to ask. Some patients want to know everything, some want to know nothing. I often feel I drive my current oncologist to the point of distraction asking him every minute question I think of. He does have the patience of Job, answering all of my questions and spending the time with me to make sure I fully understand the answers fully and the implications of the answers.

Whether I would have explored other options based on what I know now is highly doubtful.  It is my best option but I would have cared to be better informed before the treatment started. It was only due to an accidental meeting that I learned of some of the long term side effects of the chemotherapy drug I am on. When I mentioned them to my oncologist, his response was "oh yes, that is right".  He did not gloss over them but he was quick to point out, and he is correct, my current course of treatment gives me my best chance for prolonging my life. He is also very quick to point out that this is the whole purpose of the exercise.

The left side of my brain understands this, it is the right side of my brain that still has difficulty accepting it and the stress and anxiety still exist.