The Top 10 Things Not to Say To Cancer Patients:


The below is not my original writing, rather something I found on the web. Some of them are pee in your pants funny and I thought really worth sharing. The comments below each of the 10 are written by a therapist of unknown origin

1) My uncle Joe  had that cancer and he made it for 3 years. He's a real fighter.

As opposed to me, thought my friend when she heard this one. I must be a real surrender. Implying that surviving cancer is only a matter of  "fight" and will power actually somehow puts the blame for doing poorly squarely in her lap. Needless to say, this is a poor choice.

2) Is it that bad?

A patient's personal favorite. She loves to respond, "The Worst. The absolute worst". When faced with the diagnosis, people tend to feel it's "bad"-- they are not playing games of "relatively speaking". Let them come to terms with it's gravity without pushing your ignorance to the forefront.

3)It'll all be just fine. It's all going to work out just fine, you'll see.

You have no ability to make this situation "just fine" and both you and your friend know it. Promising him there will be no problems is not only patently absurd-- it is crazy making.

4) The Unfairness of Life Approach: Man, life is so unfair.

This statement is not only not helpful and supportive-- it may not even be true in your friend's worldview. It has nothing to offer-- no comfort, profundity, no valid or dignified response, ( should we be thinking, "yes, if it was fair, "x" would have gotten it"). Skip it completely.

5) The Lance Armstrong  Approach:
Look at all the people who have survived cancer. Hey- look at Lance Armstrong alone.

I have a handful of patients who are almost ready to murder dear Lance for his recovery and comeback. It's made their lives miserable. Accept that both Armstrong himself and his cancer are different from your friend and hers-- and don't play a game of comparing her to the best known cancer survivor.

6) Totally Oblivious

Oh no. My friend's father had that treatment and they think it was the treatment that killed him, not the cancer.

What can I say about this one? Your friend will already be filled with fear and dread about her treatments. Might I suggest that a comment such as this is well, somewhat less than helpful?

7) The All Knowing Approach- I know exactly how you feel.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  Unless you yourself have undergone the same process, you know so very little about what your friend is dealing with right now, a comment such as this is patronizing, wrong, and can leave your friend feeling more alone and afraid than before.

8) The Death Sentence: Oh God. My mother died of that.

People probably blurt out things such as this because they haven't thought it through, but it shouldn't take me, or any expert to make it that this is not a helpful statement. It makes the top 10 list with ease.

9) The God Factor: God only tests people He loves.

Best to lose this one altogether. Your  friend may not buy into this belief at all- - in fact, she may not be buying into the God thing right now, and that is her prerogative. Don't make her take a role in some theological demonstration; let her come to her own terms with God in her life.

10) Unsolicited advice: You really need to see Dr. X...try a macrobiotic diet... Try healing touch... find a support group... read this book about...

You really need to restrain yourself from offering unsolicited advice, something your friend is being deluged by. You may ask if she would like to hear about the latest research on hypnosis if she shows an interest. The best you can do is support her in the decisions she herself chooses.

Personal observation:

If you have lost the ability to laugh, especially at yourself and your misfortune you may as well be dead already.

To my good friend who used one of the above on me- I promise you I was not offended, your heart is and was in the right place. I will forever be thankful that we are friends.

I promise an original post next week.